It was sometime a few years ago when the wrestling started in my spirit. Why was I here? What did all this life mean? I recalled that night when my whole life changed. You see much of my 20’s was focused on moving up in the business world. I wanted to achieve many worldly goals before I turned 30. I wanted to be a manager and lead people. I wanted a big house to put all the many shoes and purses I could buy. I wanted the newest and trendiest of everything… I wanted what I wanted. Yet, in the flash of a moment, all that dissipated. I faced the question “what does it profit a man to gain this whole world and lose his soul?” To it I said it…it profited NOTHING!
So gradually, my life, my desires, my love started to change. My pursuit was for righteousness, I sought after the kingdom of God and I saw everything about me change. First it was the alcohol; no longer did I have a desire for its smell, taste or feeling…I did not want to have another drink. Then it was the socializing, no more afternoons or evenings spent in countless shopping malls buying a new dress to go out and prance about town just to meet someone else who was just as broken as I was. Then it was the vain ambition, the constant chasing the imaginary dream. Questions like: how fast could I climb the ladder, how many awards could I get, how much more could be achieved…became a figment of my imagination and became lost in my mind.
But where would I go? What would I do? The core, the foundation of who I was had change. What I wanted more than anything else in this world was to bring God glory and exalt the name of Jesus! My life meant nothing, if HE could not get ALL of the glory. When I think of all the steps I remember each stage like it was yesterday:
- Fall – Living for me. Scared to deal with past hurts, issues & pain…drowning hurts in alcohol, relationship, parties, work, etc
- Brokenness – How did I get here? Unsure of what my future would be. How could I move forward? Who was this person that I looked at in the mirror.
- Consequences of Sin – Many hours of serving and correcting the wrongs with new rights.
- Restoration – Seeing His vision and purpose. My life would never be the same.
- Faith – Trusting in the new future He had for me despite of past mistakes. Shifting from where I was to where He wanted me to be