What do I say? Well I feel a lot of emotions. Happy, sad, upset, hope, joy, expectation. It’s been a journey. A ride. Almost a year ago at this time I was at this point with him yet he ended things. This time it ended and WE concluded. I prayed and prayed and agonized and worried and thought what would this meeting be like. I remember going to buy the plane ticket and thinking what have I done. Had I chosen my feelings over God’s will. Yet the Lord nudged me in a small voice and I found peace in the chaos.
God reminded me: “But make up your mind not to worry beforehand how you will defend yourselves. For I will give you words and wisdom that none of your adversaries will be able to resist or contradict. (Luke 21:14, 15 NIV)”
How we were able to talk through everything..was God. I got clarity as I asked and God gave me the peace to accept it. I didn’t feel sad when we said goodbye. But it just hit me as we were taking off from the airport and they were asking for volunteers to stay. I realized I had many hopes, many dreams, many expectations. Yet, with all of that I say “NOT my will but GOD’s will be done”! Even though a life with him was a good choice (at times tumultuous), I want God’s choice more!!!
In this last year, I have learned to die to myself and live for Christ. Sometimes going against the popular or most traveled route. Remembering “But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.(Matt 7:14)” Sometimes feeling like how come…am I the only one? Sometimes not knowing how it will end! Yet having faith that God knows the story and He is able.
As he and I talked, we discussed why we came into each others life. For me I believe God sovereignty was at work. At the same time going through this wilderness experience was our own causing. When I look at how many times we went through the same circle it was 2 times. Like the children of Israel taking 40 years to go through a journey of 11 days. This 3rd time (the last), the cycle is broken! I’ve crossed the wilderness. The journey is over..Promise land here I come!!!!